Two Favorite Blog Posts From Volume 1

Dirty Dicks and Sweaty Ass

By

Jellybeans

You know who you are. And if you don’t, take a whiff. Use the side of your hand to wipe your ass and lick your hand. Oh! That’s sounds gross to you? How do you think I feel when all my intentions are to make you feel good and you complicate that with being unclean? Again, if you haven’t showered in the last 2 hours, do us a favor. Use my shower! Because if I get downtown, and your balls smell musty and a post-poop hasn’t been taken of, or you’re uncut and I discover enough yeast on the under-skin tip to bake a loaf of bread, I will personally see to it that you DO go take the shower, and now you’ve made it incredibly awkward now that it’s been said out loud. If you had just taken the liberty of doing me a solid, I would be giving you the most rewarding experience ever, but you have made this memorable in the worst possible way. I promise you, you would have been staring out your nursing home window, still remembering the best blow job ever, but no. You’ll cringe because you didn’t shower and I made you feel.. well, dirty. If you haven’t showered in the last two hours, just go take the shower!!

A Bad Streak

I’d bet my left boob that every provider will stand behind me that we have “Bad Streaks”. I guess it would be comparable to hating your whole week following one shitty day, right? It happens to everyone, but providers have to be actresses, along with being sexy vixens. It is a guarantee that if we follow through with an appointment after getting pissed off at him during the booking process, he won’t come back because although we provided our bodies as promised, we were unable to provide an Oscar winning performance. At least for me, I don’t just fuck up that session, I carry that irritability to the next contact with a potential client. I’ll tell you about the bad streak I have been having.

Business is always slow for me in December. Saving for gifts and time with family, I always assume. And I was prepared for that. But January was pretty bad too. I had a few trips to various cities and pretty much sat in my hotel or Airbnb, staring off into space, disillusioned by the lack of social interaction. In addition, I may sound paranoid – but I have been encountering someone(s) fucking with me. Setting up no-shows, sending harassing messages, even going to the lengths of setting up email addresses and burner numbers for the sole intention to be mean. Oh yeah, someone also set up a Twitter account, and the only activity this person has on his/her timeline are nasty comments on my tweets and replies. Who has the time for this? It was the beginning of a bad streak.

Bad clients are the poison that seeps in every ounce of my being. It’s exhausting… hating them. Aside from being tormented with no-shows, the clients that were coming were not up to par; there have been a couple decent ones, but not enough to bring me out of the bad streak. I had a couple of dirty dicks and several more that needed to scrub their ass and arm pits and oh! The halitosis. Guys, just take a shower. Rinse with mouthwash. I have every possible soap, moisturizer, toothbrushes, spray deodorant, hand sanitizer, available razors, clean towels and hot water. If you haven’t taken a shower in the last couple of hours, please, for the love of sex workers, go wash. (blog entitled Dirty Dicks and Ass to follow this post) I guarantee you, I have showered. Please reciprocate.

Beside the smelliness, there has been major tardiness. Like, waiting an hour after the appointment was set and not being compensated for it. Not even a tip. Then there are the guys who refuse to pay the $25 deposit that I had to implement to stop the fake appointments. Screening didn’t prevent it, but $25 seems to. If discretion is the concern, I even have the option of sending a $100 Amazon gift card to show their intention. Even if they can’t do that via joint accounts, they can run to their local Walgreens or whatever and buy a gift card in cash and send the code to me. I only want to know you’re coming. How hard is that? (Thank you to the guys that do) Then there are the relentless phone calls. Phone calls without warning are invasive. Text first.

I should tell you now about the night I was scared recently. A guy, extremely late and drunk had just pissed me off by being stupid and unable to see a freakin’ high rise in Miami. I would normally have gone back upstairs and not have him in but I hadn’t had very much business and I was bored. The smell of foul beer breath was sickening. On the ride up the elevator to the 43rd floor, he became Mr. Handsy. We got in the apartment, and he paid me. I attempted to have a chat with him, but he was so bloody trashed, he couldn’t formulate a sentence. It was Showtime though, and we went into the bedroom. I started going through the motions and almost immediately after the blow job commenced, he started pushing my head down and gagged me. I pushed his hand off. He did it again and I said, “Let me be clear. You will not push on my head.”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me down on top of him, and I was forceful and pushed myself up. I said, “I do not want to be pushed or pulled.  I’ve corrected you three times.”

He squeezed my arm pretty hard, and I grabbed for his arm and Indian burned him. I jumped up and told him he had to leave. I told him he was totally scaring me. I got dressed and told him to do the same. He did leave. But it could have ended differently.

So, it’s been a bad streak for about a month. And then a new client visited. He was having a rough time—worse than my bad streak. 6 years ago, he separated from his wife. 4 years later, they reconciled and then soon after, she committed suicide. The guilt he has been carrying is immense. He is raising two boys by himself with some help while he did his traveling for his business that his family owned. Here recently, his father passed away and a month later so did his uncle. This left the business and family ranch to him and his sister. He felt that was one too many responsibilities for himself, so he decided to sell the business. I questioned this. Why couldn’t he hire someone to run the business? But it was already done. But he seemed to feel that he needed direction. What should he do now?

 I mentioned that sometimes when I need clarity or help with decisions, I seek Tarot cards. I told him when I got home, I’d ask that question and draw his cards. I won’t go into the entire spread, but his response was “Holy Moly!” It truly was right on point. Basically, this guy ended my bad streak. I was able to provide my naked therapy that I love to do, and I was useful to this guy. And that made me happy.

Then there was “Alan”. He took me to a very nice dinner and came back to my place. He’s an all-around great client. He’s fun and a gentleman. No pushing or pulling, wasn’t tardy and he smelled good!

Followed by one good client after another. I’m good again! I was feeling so burned out. So worried about everything. The bombed trips. The lack of business and bad clients. Being scared and the house hunting I’m doing. Oh, my goodness and then I find out how much closing costs are!

 But that will be another addition of Sexcapades. Until Dirty Dicks and Ass, we shall meet once more.